How to be Ifrit
by FearandLoathingXIX
Summary: Rikku had kinda expected Yuna's pilgrimage to be a bit more exciting than this. But then again, they say that if there's no fun then you should make your own, and she is a master mechanic after all.


Something I wrote a while ago just for the fun of it. Pure randomness.

* * *

Now, the thing was that Rikku had 'sort of' expected Yuna's pilgrimage to be more exciting than what most of it actually turned out to be - incredibly uninteresting and repetitive battles with the same fiends _over and over and over again, _and to make things worse they weren't even _creative_about defeating the same old beasts either. 

Machina- Rikku steals its shiny parts.

Elemental- Lulu casts scary lightning.

Insect- Wakka throws his big, dumb beach ball at it.

Anything else Auron or Tidus just made mincemeat out of with their kickass swords and Kimari _ate stuff _or something…she thought.

And despite her best sleuthing Rikku had yet to catch either of the party's swordsman obsessively and lovingly rubbing their blade down with a baby sham and pot of turtle wax after hours, which of course she was_ sure_ they did.

Eventually - to fight the tedium - she invented a series of games to stay occupied; her attention span _was_ notoriously short after all, and no one else appeared to be providing entertainment. Yunie and Tidus appeared quite happy to just be _dopes _all the time and talk for _hours _without actually saying a _single _interesting thing, Lulu and Wakka were always preoccupied with nods and funny looks, and Auron and Kimari… well, they just didn't _do _anything.

So first of all she sang, not that she had a particularly good singing voice, but nevertheless: anything…._everything_.

"_La-la-la_, the calm lands suck…_a-la la la,_ a-Tidus sucks…_la la la_ I'm hun-gry" She warbled on one occasion as they crossed the Calm Lands on the way to Mt. Gagazet.

"For crying out loud **Rikku!**" Tidus was the first to snap, most likely because a lot of her 'songs' involved slating him in one way or another. Classics like 'there was a crazy Tidus (_there was a crazy Tidus) _Who liked to drink a lot of juice _(who liked to drink…) _were not given their full appreciation by the majority of Yuna's guardians (everyone but her).

"Just** s****hut** the hell up!!" He demanded, as Rikku stuck out her tongue and tried to start up a chorus of the old favorite 'row, row, row-your-Tidus,' among her compainions, or perhaps a lighthearted 'Who let the Wakka out?!' But _alas_, they did not appreciate 'musique' in quite the same way as her. After that day she was banned from so much as _humming_ a tune of any shape or form around the other guardians - on pain of, and these were Auron's _exact_ words, 'having her tongue cut out with a dirty Katana.'

So _that _was right out.

Anyway, after the singing fiasco died down it was once more up to the restless Al-Bhed to dream up a new occupation, which came to her a few days later whilst watching Auron order everyone about in battle 'so-and-so _in_, this-and-that-_out_, bla-de-bla-_bla!'_ **So**, the next time the Legendary Guardian called for Yuna to drop into a battle line, Rikku dashed forwards in her place with a cheesy 'Ta-da!' and proceeded to 'summon Ifrit' (which involved a _lot _of roaring), and considering all she had to work with was smoke bombs and fireworks, the overall effect was pretty good…even if a few stray tongues of flame_did_set fire to Auron's empty sleeve when she wasn't watching. Although,_ as she said at the time: _-

"It's not like you use that bit it _anyway!!'_

Nevertheless, she was Yuna all that day, and then the next tied a piece of fish net around one leg, messed up her hair and hoiked up her top (to show off her abs) and was Tidus! Which was accompanied by non-stop whistling and scary fake-laughter whenever they stopped walking, along with an _incredibly _romantic proposal to Yuna to 'mebe go see Zanarkand together or summant'. Then the day after that she bartered with some kids for a beach-ball and played Wakka – which meant saying 'wasssaaaaaappp' a lot and throwing the 'blitzball' at anything that moved…which was _incidentally _how she broke Auron's glasses. Although, luckily it was on his (blind) the right side, so as she _repeated_ at the time: -

"It's not like you use that bit _anyway!!"_

After that she had to get _creative_, because after her brief stint as Lulu (which was actually a lot of fun because it was basically throwing toys at people and wearing lots of makeup) ended badly – namely in a near miss of thundaga that wanted to go all static on her ass and make her _'goldn'crispy,'_ she decided to move onto the more challenging members of the party.

So, Rikku's 'being creative' with her next project of copy-catting involved spending all her money on face paint and having to steal a fiend-horn out of Tidus's magic loot bag (holds any number of items effortlessly _up to_ 99), as she became an admittedly more talkative than usual Kimari. Luckily the big blue puffball didn't seem to mind her imitation and she had a lot of fun doing the roaring (Auron said it was Ifrit all over again) and mauling stuff…_mainly Tidus_…but some other stuff too (but mainly Tidus).

But unfortunately, due to Auron's _total _reluctance to let her be him (i.e. borrow the glasses and carry around his liquor jar while slurring about 'the good 'ol days') when the time came - because he was _mean_ like that - Rikku had no choice but to resort to echoing everything the 'Legendary Guardian' said, although she _may've_ embellished his speech here and there…

"Stop that." He told her sternly, but it simply echoed, unheeded, throughout the cave of the stolen fayth, _moreso_than any normal echo would - as it had the assistance of a 15 year-old girl.

"_Stop that._" _(Stop that, stop that, stop that whyBraskawhy, stop that stop…) _"Stop that!" _(Stopthat, stop that, stop that, stop JechtIloveyou stop that…)_

"Rikku, I'm warn…" Auron attempted, before having his own speech hijacked.

"_**I'm**_ putting on my serious face here, you see everyone? **Serious face**. _Very_ serious. Very serious indeed. Indeedy. Indeedy-do-da-_dallies_. In fact! If I was _any _more serious then I'd probably have to change my name to Serious McSeriously and buy a dog called Seri…"

"**Just be quiet!!" **McSerious roared in a way that put Kimari _and_ Ifrit to shame, and also made Rikku squeal into silence (along with everyone else).

Auron had _kinda_ yelled loud enough to bring down the top of Gagazet - and none of them, not even Tidus, had seen the him _that_ pissed off before.

"…" Rikku sure as hell wanted to yell 'just be quiet!' right back at Mr.-grumpy-Katana, but to be honest...she didn't dare.

So, after 'being other people' took a quick shot to the head (al-la-_Auron_) Rikku was once more stuck for amusement that wouldn't swiftly end her life. But luckily Tidus seemed to be being bitten by the boredom-bug as well, and became somewht restless; so she earned a plaything for as long as his STUPID lasted (which was still running as far as she knew.)

Although to be fair he _did_ know some pretty fun games, which ate up a lot of what-could've-been-boring time.

Things like 'last hit' (which was simply that you had to be the last person to hit the other one and say 'last hit') ran on for _days:_to the extremities of Tidus being woken in the middle of the night with a sharp smack in the chest and a loud squeal of 'last hit!' before Rikku sped away to lock herself in her room, quickly pursued by the blitzball player - who eventually managed to get in through the second-storey window and return the 'hit', but woke up everyone in the Inn in the process and gave the party 5000gil to pay in damages.

Obviously enough it wasn't long before _that _little pursuit was banned by Overlord Redcoat (they still played it in secret, though), and it was down to more resourcefulness on Tidus's part that they came to be sat outside the travel agency one day, resting up before climbing 'Mt. Death' as Rikku liked to call it, gripping each other's hands (like you would in a handshake) in their _shiny new _game.

"Wait…so how does it work again?" Rikku asked yet again, as Tidus crossed his legs and balled his free hand into a fist with an overdramatic sigh.

_"Look_, we just play rock-paper-scissors," he instructed while overdramatically pounding his fist up and down and loudly counting "ONE TWO THREE!" Then, regardless of Rikku's blank face and 'what in fayth's name are you doing?' looks he continued, "And see I got paper which beats rock so I win."

He quickly turned his hand over, which twisted the back of Rikku's upwards (without the glove, as he'd insisted they made the game totally unfair) and then smartly whacked the back of her hand.

"OWWWW!!" She squealed while scrunching up her face and snatching the assulted apendage back, "Whatthehell! That's not fair you didn't warn me!"

"Not _my _fault if you suck at the game." He proclaimed (and arrogantly, she might add) before offering his had out again, so this time Rikku didn't hesitate in balling her fist again and bouncing out the preliminary round with a vengeful glare.

"YES!" She cheered upon beating him (scissors-to-paper), and just as he'd done she turned the back of Tidus's hand up and slapped it as hard as she physically could. He tried not to flinch or yelp, and grinned weakly as the back of his hand began to burn up: she was obviously _not_ going to be going easy on him.

_"Weak_." he taunted, regardless of the pain, and lifted up his gaming hand for another round, "I'll show you how it's done…1-2-3-wait a…OWW!" He squawked when Rikku won a second time and managed to smack him even harder than before.

"You're gonna pay for that!" He told her spitefully, and kept right to his word the next time he won, slapping her knuckles with as much strength as he could muster while sat cross-legged on the floor: which was enough to sting _his_ palm, let along _hers._

"It is _on_." The Al-Bhed muttered through gritted teeth and unwitting tears, holding her fist doggedly up for the next game – she was _going _to win this.

Yuna eventually heard the yelps and squeals from behind the agency and went to investigate what was making Tidus make noises like that. She had to admit that at the first glance she was a little confused to see _him _sat there holding hands with her cousin. But the illusion was corrected the second Rikku won another round and whipped her hand down over Tidus's, making him both flinch and laugh at the same time (a known side effect of the game).

"What…what are you doing?" The Summoner inquired shyly, somewhat deafened by the shouts and squeals of Rikku/Tidus each time they won or lost a round, and without looking up both replied.

"It's a game." Which was quickly followed by "YEOW!" as Tidus won, and placed another neat hit on Rikku's now luminously red hand.

"Uh…how does it work?" She inquired, although it was pretty obvious to your _average_insane person how the sadistic ritual functioned.

"Just watch us it's simple…" Tidus muttered, putting a little too much concentration into what was essentially a child's game and winching hysterically as Rikku landed another winning slap on skin he could barely feel anymore - apart from the wicked sting that followed every hit.

"Hey! Do you wanna play?" He asked optimistically through a clenched jaw, but Yuna only had to look at the rawness of his and Rikku's hands and the tears down _both_ of their faces to make a decision.

"I'm okay." She quickly replied, and the blitzball player merely shrugged and returned his attention to the sharp burn now flaming up on the back of his hand.

"Hey!" he cried all of a sudden upon examining his and Rikku's 'gaming hand', "you didn't even win that one! You **cheater**!"

"Al-Bhed scissors," She retorted scathingly, "didn't I tell you? They cut through _anything_."

"Anything my ass!" Tidus screamed, and in no time a small fight had started up between them, which was eventually broken up by Auron - who just grabbed Tidus by the scruff of his jacket and threw him about three feet back with an irritated growl.

"Look Auron," Rikku teased with a hell-of-a-lot-a bravery considering the Guardian's obviously black mood, "if you _wanted _to play you shoulda just asked. I'll whoop your ass at it bu…" Auron rolled his eyes and turned his back to Rikku before she could finish the sentence. In retaliation she stuck out her tongue and beat Tidus up for a whole half-hour.

Auron himself was rather thankful to be wearing a cowl at the time, because for _some_ reason he couldn't stop smiling (but only a little) as he walked away.

"Fayth," he said quietly to himself after he withdrew from the three youngsters, who Rikku was now trying to engage in something called 'Categories' "I remember that game, Jecht…you played it with your boy after all…I guess it's hard to…"

"He wears sunglasses even when it's not sunny and also in caves." 'Sir Auron' was brought quickly back to Spira by Rikku's self-righteous announcement, which he rather suspected was in reference to himself.

"He never wears that sleeve properly." Tidus followed with a complaint of his own, and although Yuna shook her head and refused to participate in the 'things that Auron's does that are really stupid/lame/annoying' round of categories, the other participants carried on quite happily.

"He just stands there when he's not in battle watching you get shredded." Rikku put in in Yuna's place, then quickly added her own "and he makes me keep my sphere grid tidy."

"He threw me into Sin's ass and brought me to Spira." Tidus probably had the best one out of their lot there. Although that in no way meant Rikku would give up without a good competition.

"He makes me customize all his swords with really gross things like Flan goo."

"He abandoned me once I'd-been-thrown-into-Sin's-ass-and-brought-to-Spira and didn't turn up forever."

"It was probably to go buy more Sake, you know. He's probably an alcholic. He's probably hiding it from us and that's why he's always wearing sunglasses, 'cause he's always hungover."

"That's not one, Rikku! HA! YOU LOSE!"

"Hey! No-I-Don't! That completely doesn't count so..."

"YOU LOSE!"

"No I...!"

"LOSE!"

"Tidus shut the hell up or I am going to make sure you never kiss Yunie again!"

"...! The?! Wait! How do you?"

"Heh-heh-heh... you know it _truly _is amazing how much of the forest you can see from the tree-level, Tidus, _all _sorts of interesting things and..."

"C'mere you Al-Bhed sonofa!"

"AHHH!"

* * *

And '_lo_, it ended twice as randomly as it began.

Review if you've ever played one of the named games, or if, in fact, you have additions to the 'things that Auron's does that are really stupid/lame/annoying' game ;)

Just so you know, I love Auron really :P And I would never hurt Tidus (unless it was funny).


End file.
